Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
