I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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