I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
