Swine flu. Run for my life!
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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