the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
