I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
