I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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