I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
