You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
