I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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