I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
