just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
