my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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