I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
