I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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