in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
