I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
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I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
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I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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