there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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