I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
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