Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.