Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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