I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
