i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
