I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
