I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
