I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
