He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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