my vag is so smooth its legendary
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
