my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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