I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
