Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
