If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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