I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
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