Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
