he puts the penis in happiness.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Randomize
