I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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