just tell him i said nine months
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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