Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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