i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
