i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I think my moral compass just broke
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