cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
