This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
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