It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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