We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
