So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
