well I can't set my house on fire every night
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I FOUND THE LEGS
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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