maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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