Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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