I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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