i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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