Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
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at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
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Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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