Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Randomize
