These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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